If we're being honest, I miss you all the fucking time.
Everything reminds me of you. It's actually pretty ridiculous.
"Oh, that guy has orange shoes. You had orange shoes."
"Hey, that guy's wearing glasses."
I don't know what I'm going to do if I see you again.
Probably just.. look at you. I'd want to talk to you, but something tells me you'd just turn around and leave.
It'd be for the best, like you said. You said a lot of things. Actually no, no you didn't. You didn't say nearly enough things. You almost said you loved me once, but you didn't even say that, really. Just implied it. You don't talk to me for days then when I finally try to say goodbye, you tell me not to say it. When I ask why, ask what the point of this all is, you told me "Love".
It was a cheesy thing to say, but it made my heart feel like dying. I wanted to believe that so fucking badly. You never texted me once after saying that. Granted I don't exactly love texting either, but at least it was something. I tried a few times, but I got nothing or basically nothing in reply. no goodbye, just.. nothing. I tried to forget you, but some lack of closure held me back, it was like some crazy old lady in the back of my mind kept telling me there was still a chance you'd talk to me, a chance that things could go back to the way they were. Sadly, crazy old ladies don't often know what they're talking about, and for a month and a half, you were gone.
The last time we talked, you told me you were just doing what was best for us, and that it was just as hard for you as it was for me. In the long run, I know it will be, but for now it's just poop. I also sincerely doubt this is as difficult for you as it is for me. I don't know why it's so impossible to get over you, but it's honestly messing me up. I thought when you said goodbye it would be easier (it was for a while), but now it's all the same. I remember when you said it. Goodbye, that is. Then I said I would miss you, and goodbye. You said you'd miss me too, and goodbye again, and then that was it. It honestly seemed mildly devastating at the time.
Then I'm thinking about goodbye, and the regret hits me like a deer caught in the headlights of a tank going warp speed. It was all so damn close. Inches away from everything I wanted, but those inches were made of titanium. There was only one way in and it was padlocked with a combination. you knew the code, but I wasn't willing to let you use it. Not when it would tear apart the rest of your life. I remember the day you told me you could do it, you could make it work, make us work. It was like someone lit a spark only to douse it with gasoline and somehow drown it rather than let the flame ignite, because I knew what it would mean for you. I wasn't willing to let you throw away half of everything else making up your life. I'm not worth your family, and that's what I need to keep telling myself. I want to go back to that day when you were going to kiss me and not turn away because I was afraid. I want to go back and change things, what I said, what I did. I keep telling myself I could have done things differently, I could have fixed things. But I couldn't have, really. Not anymore, that's for sure. And why should I! I'm fine, I only miss you every waking moment. I haven't even seen you for three months and I still think about you every single day. Oh my, I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't care, and I wish you would just get the fuck out of my brain, but I don't have anything to push you out with. Maybe that's what it's going to take, something else to think about, or someone. Unfortunately the likelihood of that these days isn't very high. First off I'd need someone comparable to you, which is a challenge in itself. Or maybe it's not, I don't even know anymore. I don't know why I'm writing this, or why I'm going to publish this, because these are all the things I don't tell people. These are the things I keep to myself because it's either too awkward or embarrassing or silly to talk about. But whatever. It's how I feel, and if you think it's crazy then you're probably pretty correct. I don't even know what I'm feeling, really. I don't know if I loved you because honestly I'm not even seventeen and so I highly doubt I have any inclination of what that's supposed to be, but it definitely feels like it. And let me just say.. right now it hurts like hell.
I'm sorry if you don't want me to write this, but I doubt you'd find out anyways. I need to do it. I need to explain all these feels. See? Even that reminds me of you, saying that.
But goodnight, even though I know tomorrow I'll think of you a million times again, then listen to a song that's not even sad but it'll make me cry anyways because it's just like that.
------
I don't know why you just read that or what on earth you're going to think of it, but it was somewhat satisfying to write, despite the resulting headache.
Goodnight.
No comments:
Post a Comment